Monday, September 21, 2015

Chronic sorrow....that's not me, is it?

I saw my friend posted this article the other day and I found myself offended at the title. I thought, "This is so not me. I am joyful. I choose joy every day and I am not sorrowful." But I have  to admit, as I read it I began to see some truths.   As I did I found myself shaking my head in agreement. I didn't mean to, but these were all feelings I could relate to. These were all things I have experienced in the past two years. But "chronic sorrow", that is not me. I am not sad day in and day out. I really am joyful and I love seeing Annika defy the odds. But I guess if I'm truthful there is  part of me that is always hanging on the edge, scared to see what's next or what we might be missing out on. I guess if I am truthful this article describes every emotion I have had. So what's my point in sharing this? Sometimes I show up to work crying for what seems like no reason at all. Sometimes I see a baby hug his mom and smile and tears fill my eyes. Sometimes other kids move on to the next step and we are celebrating back at the first step. I thought by sharing this others might understand when the tears come or when a little extra support might be needed. Maybe someone else is out there and doesn't know how to put words to their feelings. Maybe sharing this will help someone else like it helped me. I am still coming to terms with the words "chronic sorrow" but it does help me understand my feelings.

Thursday, September 3, 2015


Looking back at some of my other blogs is making me even more angry at myself for how I am feeling, but sometimes I just feel angry.  I don't want to and then I get so upset because I am feeling that way, but it just continues as a vicious cycle.  What makes me think I deserve it any other way?  Sometimes the frustration of seeing all that is going on around me is just more than I can handle and I just want to scream.  I get angry because my crying baby can communicate what is wrong when she just cries and cries.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does it just breaks my heart.  I get angry because Madelynn dreams about her future, and having kids of her own and then adds, "And Annika will live with us too so we will also have her."  I love that it seems so natural to her thinking but I hate that that is what she thinks about for her future.  She doesn't see the late night conversations with her sister, trips to the mall, or even sharing the joy of having children together.  No, she realizes that Annika will be like one of her kids.  How can I feel so proud and so angry all in the same moment?  

I have to speak to other women in about a week about being a special needs mom and I am not even sure I know what to share some days.  Do they want to hear about the triumphs?  Do they want to hear how I have to choose joy everyday?  Do they want to hear that I have to constantly NOT do the mental math of what my child "should" be doing compared to other kids?  I am really not sure I am qualified to even be sharing sometimes.  I am happy and I do love and adore both of my kids, but then there is just this underlying anger and I am not really sure what to do with it.  I would want more than anything to curl up in my dad's lap and just cry it out, but that too is out of reach.  

But then the anger fades.  There is laughter.  A smile that could melt the most angry heart.  There is a look that says I love you, even if I may never hear the words.  I grasp onto that and cling to it as if it is a life preserver trying to pull me out of this anger and despair.  I can feel the storm in my heart calming and I remember that the things of this life don't matter.  The things of this life don't last.  God has a perfect plan and HE IS FAITHFUL, even though I am not.  HE IS FAITHFUL, even when I doubt.  HE IS FAITHFUL, through all my struggles and fears and anger.  I know no other way....