"My cup runneth over..."

I had the amazing opportunity last February to participate in IF:Gathering and let me tell you it was great!  I came away from there with a fire in my soul (literally - this tugging on my heart that could have only come from one place) and it has been growing and smoldering ever since.  It is no secret that I have always been called to teach, and even in this crazy time of education I still love it every day.  But I have always had a desire in my heart to teach a Bible study, but it has just never been the right time, or God's time apparently.  Well, after IF: Gathering 2015 I kept hearing this small voice asking if I was doing what God was calling me to do.  Well, I am fairly busy in the church, trying to help out and participate where I feel called, but there was still this tugging.  Then God put on my heart to begin a women's Bible study and he even placed someone on my heart to lead it with me.  Then he even provided a place for us to meet and next he actually provided women who needed this time together.  It was amazing.  We began meeting every other Monday night and just having a time together to share in each other's joys and sorrows and learning God's word together has been invigorating.  I was getting to see God's plan for me, and for others, unfold right in from of me.  

We just finished our 1st study (Stuck by Jennie Allen - highly recommend it) and during that I kept praying about how I am using the time God has given me and whether or not I am using my talents in the way he wants me to.  He kept putting on my heart to continue this Bible study and so I stepped out of some of my other roles.  We were going to take the holidays off from the Bible study but I let them know I was going to start a study on my own if anyone was interested (Seamless by Angie Smith - Can't wait to delve into this one), well, guess what?!  We have a group 8-9 women still coming together on Monday nights, now every week, and we are going to continue our time in God's word through the holidays.  

I am just so blessed to be part of these women's lives and getting to see Him work in their lives is such a gift.  As were are beginning our new study I have been reflecting on my past Bible study experiences.  I have had some great teachers in my life and I know they have helped to fuel my fire through these years.  My mom always taught me (really through example) the importance of spending time in The Word everyday.  My dad was such a scholar of God's Word and if you ever had a chance to be in one of his classes you were truly blessed.  

But one teacher in particular really stands out.  Sherrie took the time to take a group of young high school and college girls aside and really teach us how to study the word.  She taught us to "Take Ten with God" and her FLA style has always been a part of how I study.  She showed us that we didn't have to have a fancy Bible study with videos and teachers, that we had all the tools right there with us.  She empowered us to grow in our relationship with Christ everyday.  She instiledl in us a desire to spend time with him and she made in attainable for everyone.  She taught me how to open any part of the Bible and find how to learn and apply it to my life.  She strengthened my prayer life and demonstrated the importance of spending time quietly with him everyday.  These are lessons that have followed me for the past 20 years (yikes!  Has it really been that long?)  And now I have the opportunity to share with other women and hopefully empower them in the same way.  

How is God trying to use you today?  What people has he place in your path to guide you and lead you to where you are today?  Are you allowing Him to use you however He sees fit?  Or God is sovereign and he has a plan for your life.  It is an awesome ride if we just get out of the way.

It's amazing how much a deletion can add to your life

I had the privilege at the beginning of this month to share about our crazy, busy, fun, challenging life with the women at our church.  I was a bit nervous, but after I finished I regretted not inviting other family friends to join us.  So, I thought I would share a little about my talk.  My wonderful friend Kelly and I spoke together, but I don't have all that she shared :)

As many of you already know, Annika was given a suspected diagnosis of cri du chat at a month old.  I took her in to see her primary care doctor because she just cried all the time.  He came in and checked her out, walked out of the room.  He came in again and looked at a couple of other things then walked out again.  This happened a couple more times and then he walked in with his lap top and proceeded to say, "I think she has this genetic disorder."  He didn't know much about it and was showing me web sites that said she wouldn't walk or talk and would be mentally retarded.  He showed me pictures of kids who sorta looked like Annika and then informed me he would refer us to genetics (this was November and we received and appointment in April).  I just tried to hold myself together (her doctor is not the most compassionate person, but he did give me a small hug and I wiped a tear away and said, "It's going to be ok") until I could get to the car and call Bruce.  He couldn't understand a thing I was saying, but I managed to spell the name so he could look it up at work.  

All I could think about was all that my kids was going to miss out on.

•  walking and talking
• playing sports
• getting married
• having kids
• hearing her say "I love you"
• sharing girl times with her sister
• college
• boyfriends
• dances, graduation.....

I just kept thinking of all the things she would be "lacking" in life.  As I pulled away the song "Overcomer" was on the radio and I thought, "Yes, she is an overcomer and we will overcome this!"  We were in a bit of denial for a while.  We were able to get an earlier genetics appointment in February and he agreed with her primary doctor and said she needed testing.  We had both been in education for awhile and we were just not ready for the stamp to be placed on her.

I remember during all of this my sister kept telling me that people were praying for her.  One day I said, "What are they praying for?  They can't "fix" her, so why are they praying for us?"  Not that I didn't appreciate it I just didn't understand.  We were just going through life like we needed to.  Wiping up barf (she threw up all the time) and moving on.  I did start to understand why people were praying and I still nee prayer every day.  

As I found myself on my knees trying to make sense of everything God brought me this verse, 

" I cry out to God most high who will fulfill His purpose in me." Psalms 57:2

I began to realize that God would not only fulfill His purpose in me but also in Annika.  As I think back to all the things in life I thought she would "miss out on" I realized they are all worldly things.  Activities that the world, and even me, measure success through.  I began to realize (I mean I already knew it, but I sure was quick to forget) that His purpose is not the same as mine.  He doesn't measure a successful, happy life in the same way I do.  I am pretty sure my worldly ideas are much less fulfilling than anything He has in store.

" I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

He has overcome it all; cri du chat, the throwing up, challenges with daily living and anything else that might be difficult.  He has overcome.  

We began to meet with therapists and specialists and tried to get her to gain weight.  It took us until her 1st birthday to get her into a GI doctor.  As we sat in that appointment I heard the doctor use the term, "failure to thrive."  I am not going to lie, I wanted to punch him in the throat.  How dare he say my child "fails to thrive."  Does he even know what she goes through?  Another favorite song came to mind, Thrive by Casting Crowns, that says, "We are made for so much more than this ordinary life; we were made to thrive!"  That's my Annika right there.  She was made for so much more than I can even imagine, and this world is nothing compared to what God has waiting for her.  


It has been a battle, but we have made it to her 2nd birthday and she is doing amazingly well.  She has worked so hard during every therapy session this year, has overcome her Nissen surgery and G-tube surgery and is gaining weight and meeting her own milestones.  She touches every life she comes in contact with and makes everyone's day brighter.  Not everyday is easy but it is so worth it.  I know that we have many struggles ahead of us, but when I think of all that has been added to our life because of this deletion I can't imagine life with out that wonderful girl.  In the last 2 years I have had more joy that I ever thought was possible.  I have loved my husband and my family more deeply and clung to them a bit tighter.  We have people all over that love and support us and celebrate every tiny victory with us.  These are just a few of the ways God has filled our lives on a daily basis.

Anger

Looking back at some of my other blogs is making me even more angry at myself for how I am feeling, but sometimes I just feel angry.  I don't want to and then I get so upset because I am feeling that way, but it just continues as a vicious cycle.  What makes me think I deserve it any other way?  Sometimes the frustration of seeing all that is going on around me is just more than I can handle and I just want to scream.  I get angry because my crying baby can communicate what is wrong when she just cries and cries.  It doesn't happen often, but when it does it just breaks my heart.  I get angry because Madelynn dreams about her future, and having kids of her own and then adds, "And Annika will live with us too so we will also have her."  I love that it seems so natural to her thinking but I hate that that is what she thinks about for her future.  She doesn't see the late night conversations with her sister, trips to the mall, or even sharing the joy of having children together.  No, she realizes that Annika will be like one of her kids.  How can I feel so proud and so angry all in the same moment?  

I have to speak to other women in about a week about being a special needs mom and I am not even sure I know what to share some days.  Do they want to hear about the triumphs?  Do they want to hear how I have to choose joy everyday?  Do they want to hear that I have to constantly NOT do the mental math of what my child "should" be doing compared to other kids?  I am really not sure I am qualified to even be sharing sometimes.  I am happy and I do love and adore both of my kids, but then there is just this underlying anger and I am not really sure what to do with it.  I would want more than anything to curl up in my dad's lap and just cry it out, but that too is out of reach.  

But then the anger fades.  There is laughter.  A smile that could melt the most angry heart.  There is a look that says I love you, even if I may never hear the words.  I grasp onto that and cling to it as if it is a life preserver trying to pull me out of this anger and despair.  I can feel the storm in my heart calming and I remember that the things of this life don't matter.  The things of this life don't last.  God has a perfect plan and HE IS FAITHFUL, even though I am not.  HE IS FAITHFUL, even when I doubt.  HE IS FAITHFUL, through all my struggles and fears and anger.  I know no other way....

  

Out of the mouth of babes...

As a parent we always worry about our children.  I have been praying for my kids, before I even had them, that they would be protected from the evil around them, know the difference between lies and the truth, and that they would have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  I see this growing in Madelynn all the time.  She asks the most amazing questions.  I know why Jesus tells us to come to him as a child, full of questions and wondering and just wanting to know more, this is how we develop a relationship with our Savior.  My niece, Mackenzie, just accepted Jesus as her Savior and is going to be baptized soon, out of obedience, not that it is a magical experience, but that it shows a pictures to those around her that she has made a choice to have Jesus in her heart.  She was able to make this choice on her own, it had nothing to do with her age or any classes, it was because she felt that tugging on her heart and she wanted to have that friendship and loving relationship with Jesus.  
So what about kids who can't make this conscience choice???  I find myself thinking about this more and more lately with all the sweet kids who have come into our lives.  
I know beyond a shadow of doubt that Annika is spoken for and "no one will snatch them out of His hand" (John 10:28).  I have found comfort from the beginning of this journey that I know exactly where she will be for eternity and I will be right there with her.  (A few other verses you might want to check out 2 Sam. 12:39 and John 6:39)  God has this and He is sovereign and and I have faith in His plan.  
Well, this seemed easy enough for me to understand, but it is amazing how little minds work.  One of our sitter's kids, who adores Annika and I am sure loves her very much, had some questions about this.  I guess he was asking his mom about kids like Annika (and our sweet friend Reagan) and about how they go to heaven.  Then he asked about Annika's diagnosis.  Kristen told him that Annika was born with a piece of her 5th chromosome missing.  When she was born this is just how God created her.  "So, Annika will go to heaven no matter what?" said Caleb and Kristen told him YES.  

"So, God just saved a little piece of her until she gets up there?."

Wow, I could not have said it better.  As tears welled in my eyes I realized that is exactly what God had done.  He has that little piece waiting for her until she goes to heaven and gets her perfect, strong, no more throwing up and feeling yucky, heavenly body!  What a beautiful picture of God's plan.

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him.10 For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body. ..17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!      2 Corinthians 5:1-10, 17 (NLT)

Kelsey, did you know?

I love this time of year.  I have started up the Christmas music and it just puts a smile on my face.  While traveling home from ABQ the last time a beautiful song came on by Amy Grant - Breath of Heaven

Do you wonder as you watch my face

If a wiser one should have had my place?

But I offer all I am

For the mercy of Your plan

Help me be strong, help me be, help me

Breath of Heaven, hold me together

Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven

Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness

Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy

I began to think about Mary holding baby Jesus, looking down at him and all that he would become.  Growing up, Whitney and I sang the song Mary Did you Know and it still brings tears to my eyes today.  I thought about how she must have felt kissing that little baby, knowing what he would go through as he got older.  You know, we think about Jesus as a baby at Christmas and as a man at Easter on the cross, but can you picture that little baby hanging on the cross for all of our ugly sins?  I can't imagine how that would feel as a parent. 

We always want to be able to protect our kids from pain, suffering, ridicule and everything else the world can dish out.  Mary held her little baby and knew there was nothing she could do to protect him from what was to come.  I started to think about why God chose Mary and why he chose me to be the mother to Madelynn and Annika.  Was there something extra special about her?  Did she have some special connection with God?  Why was she the chosen one?  Why was I chosen to have this extra special child.  I hear those words by Amy Grant, "Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?"

I think that no matter how our children are abled, we have moments in raising them that we think, "Are you sure I am the right one for this job, God?"  Well, just as I was thinking about all of this guess what the sermon was about on Sunday....Yup, Miss Mary herself.  

As I sat there and listened to Pastor Monty talk about Mary receiving the news and listening to the angel I realized that what was special about Mary was her obedience to God.  Did she have a few doubts about the information she was receiving, heck yeah!  But, did she let that hold her back from the amazing things God had in store for her, NO!  Her response,

 "I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her." Luke 1:38

Mary didn't posses any powers, she wasn't part angel, she was just like you and me, but she was willing and ready for whatever God had in store for her.  Once she got over her bit of doubt she was ready to go.  I am not sure I can always say that.  If God sent an angel to me right now and told me what he wanted me to do would I be that obedient?  Do I have a heart that is tuned to God, spending time with him everyday, getting to know his voice so that when he calls I would recognize it and be ready?  

When I look down at Annika and kiss her face, I can't even imagine what God has in store for her.  I can't see all the ways he is going to use her little life to show his face to those around us.  When I hold her in my arms I wonder why God chose me, but I know I am his servant and ready for whatever he has planned for our lives.  So, I pray that my obedience will allow God to use me however he sees fit, and I know that through this I will experience the glory of God first hand and in ways I can't even imagine. 

His purpose is greater than our fears

Sometimes I let my mind wander, and, let's face it, that is never a good thing.  I start to worry about what will happen in the future.  What if I die, who will take care of Annika?  What is someone tries to take advantage of her weaknesses (or Madelynn for that matter)?  What if I can't help her be the best she was designed to be?  I start to get scared and wonder why God trusted me with her and with Madelynn.  Then I have to stop, reign myself back and and remind myself that, He has plans for me, "plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I remind myself that HIS PURPOSE IS GREATER THAN MY FEARS!  He has a purpose in giving Annika to me, He has a purpose for her being born at this time and in this world that we live in.  His purpose is greater than any fear I could have.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Why do I even start to doubt?  I know that God will take care of her and take care of us.  He has a plan, He is sovereign and all I have to do is trust.  So when I start to feel the doubt and fear coming on, because I know it will - I am human - I have to run to Him, trust Him and remember always, that HIS PURPOSE IS GREATER THAN MY FEARS.