The difference a year can make

October 12, 2014

A year ago today I was still very pregnant; we were all so excited for sweet Annika Grace to arrive (now that we had finally decided on a name).  When I pictured my sweet girls playing together it just warmed my heart. I could see their two little blonde heads running down the street and having endless conversations together.  I dreamed of my sweet baby’s life to come.  What would she be?  What would her first words be?  I thought about how it would look when she smiled and laughed at me and how I knew it would melt my heart.  I pictured her and Madelynn being as close as me and my sisters; all the laughs and cries they would share together. 

At this time last year I still held those dreams close to my heart and had no reason to think otherwise.  Why wouldn't this little one be just like my Madelynn.  Yes, I knew they would do things differently and have different ideas and personalities, but for the most part, I could see their lives, parallel to each other, as they would grow into amazing women. 

At this time last year, this is what I was still dreaming about.  As I pictured her turning one I could see her crawling or even walking like her big sister.  I dreamt of hearing those words, “Mamma”.  My heart was full, and I had no reason to think different.

The day came a little earlier than I had planned, but I was not worried, I was getting the drugs this timeJ!  Once things got moving it didn't take long at all, and just before midnight on October 19^th there was my little girl.  All those dreams because a reality right there in that room.  I held that tiny baby in my arms and could see all that I hoped for her flash before my eye, because I had no reason to think otherwise.

Days and weeks went on, and things were not quite the same.  I still loved my sweet girl so much, but the endless crying made it very difficult to be happy.  When she was a month old I took her to the doctor.  I figured he would give me some magic drug to make her happy and the crying to stop and life could pick up pace again.  As I stood holding my very tiny one month old all those dreams I had in my head and in my heart came crashing down as I heard the doctor say, “I think she has a genetic disorder called Cri du chat.”  As he showed me pictures and read me the symptoms I felt the room getting smaller and my throat constricting tighter.  What?  This is not what I dreamed.  My daughter is not going to be different, she is just fine, she is just small.  She is going to be big and strong just like her sister; just like her cousins.  What?  She may never walk or talk?  I may never see her run and play soccer or say those words I have dreamed of hearing?  This can’t be.  No, she just has colic and then everything is going to be fine…..

And then I left his office and life went on.  We were in the trenches of colic, a baby that didn’t eat well and wouldn’t gain weight, and spit up.  Genetic disorder???  We didn’t have time for that.  We were just trying to survive the day.  And time kept going on.  We met with a geneticist who agreed with her doctor, but our questions where still about daily life.  Help her to be happy and keep food in her tummy.  Help her to grow.  She was meeting milestones and we really didn’t see a difference.  Everything was going to be fine….

Before we knew it we were running around to OT (occupational therapy), speech (for swallow therapy), chiropractor, ENT appointments, dietitians and the list goes on.  We were in the daily scramble of having a child with special needs.  We didn't even have time to really process what all that was.  People would say, “I am praying for you.”  I would smile and say thank you, but I really had no idea why.  Why were they praying for me, for us?  Were they praying to “fix” Annika?  Were they praying that she would “get better?”  I truly didn't understand what they were praying for, because I didn't see anything different about us.  I just saw us in life helping our daughter the best way we knew how.  Maybe they were praying for our sanity; that I could use on a daily basis. 

As her birthday approaches I am taken back to how I felt this time last year.  All those hopes and all those dreams changed and flipped upside down.  All those ideas about how the world measures happiness, gone out the window.  Some days I find myself needing to defend my daughter as people’s eyes question me when I say, “She is almost one.”  I see the looks on their faces as they think, “She is so small, why can’t she sit or stand or crawl?”  “What is wrong with her?”  They don’t say these things but their eyes do.  I smile and say, “God just made her extra special.”  Well, He did and I truly believe that.  I know He made her just the way she is supposed to be.  Often people will say, “God gave her the perfect parents.”  I know he chose us for Annika, but sometimes when people say this I feel like they are saying, “Wow, better you than me.”  And it is true; I wouldn't change her for the world.  I remember my past principal telling me, “I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but I wouldn't change it for the world.”  (He had a son with down syndrome).  It is so true.  But I still feel a little jealous as a baby who is younger than Annika is crawling around and smiling and laughing and making eye contact.  When I think about her going to school and try to imagine what that will even be like.  When I think about the fact that she will FOREVER live with us. 

And then all that anger and frustration and jealously melts away and she curls into a ball in my arms laughing so hard.  I see the happiness in her eyes as her big sister climbs into bed with her and they start the morning laughing together.  When she wraps her tiny arms around my neck and give me a slobbery, open mouth kiss on the cheek, there is really nothing better.  When she reaches a milestone it is so exciting I want to shout it from the roof top.  And, even though I have no idea what the future holds, how long her little life will be, or what challenges we will be faced with, I know one thing for sure; I know where my little girl will be for eternity and I will see her there.  I know God will take care of her and that He has created her for a special purpose.  We have our challenges here every day; they usually consist of trying to get some sleep and trying to keep food in her.  But we will overcome because God has overcome this world.  He has overcome stomach problems, He has overcome the sleepless nights, He has overcome Cri du chat.  He wears the victors crown and I am reminded that all of this is temporary and I will live in eternity with my sweet girls, seeing them laugh and praise Jesus just the way they were created to do.  I never have to worry about Annika; God has taken care of that. 

So, my sweet baby is almost one.  This is not how I pictured our lives a year ago, but here we are and we are so blessed.